For him this party was more than a celebration, it was a small miracle, and whether they were big or small, miracles were miracles. That’s what his life had come down to now, these tiny little miracles that he could hold onto his hands and put into his coat pocket. But miracle or no miracle, it was also a relief to be back in his universe, heading back home. There was something about that house that exhausted him. The wind had picked up some and Analise let out a yawn. Analise stretched her arm over towards the backseat. Something had caught her eye.
" Why do you have a map of Copenhagen in your car?"
" Oh I dunno."
" You do realize we’re here in America and not Denmark?"
" I know that." Jay didn’t like where this conversation was going.
" We’re you planning on going to Copenhagen?"
" No..."
" Because it’s very cold there this time of year."
" I know it’s cold in Copenhagen this time of year, most of the year in fact."
" Well I’m just saying now may not be the time to go."
" I wasn’t planning to go to Copenhagen Analise. " He was clearly irritated at this point.
" Jay," she paused, " why did you stop going to therapy?"
Jay bit the side of his mouth. He had been preparing himself for this all day.
" You know I really don’t believe in therapy, right?"
" But Jay it’s only been seven months."
" I know."
" Seven months Jay," Analise implored.
" I know, " he immediately responded.
" Seven months..."
" I’m feeling much better though."
"So why not stay with it then? Maybe give it a full year or something."
" Just say it why don’t you?" he barked, his eyes were focused on the road.
" It just seems a little strange to me, that’s all."
" Why don’t you just say it Analise? I know you’ve been waiting all day to say it. God knows how long you’ve been waiting to say it."
She hit him hard on the arm.
" Ow!" flinched Jay.
" Well God & I were the only ones to find you that night Jay." she said sharply. She was fidgety now, but she fought it off and continued. It pissed him off that it was here now, in the car, on the way home.
She turned to him and continued on. " We were the only ones to find you in your bedroom unconscious, with all those sleeping pills on your night stand and on the floor," her voice was shaky now. " I mean, I read your note Jay, I read your note."
" Analise..."
" I still have it in fact."
" What?"
" I have it."
" Wait, you still have my note?"
" Yeah, I do."
" You have my suicide note?"
" Yeah."
" Why in heaven’s name would you keep it?" He was trying his best to remain calm. It’s funny, he always knew that sooner or later he would have to have this conversation. He knew the conversation was probably going to be with Analise but for some reason he was furious that is was here now, in the car, on the way home.
Every time she was with him Analise couldn’t help but think of the night she found him. She could picture the evening perfectly. The musty smell of his apartment. The takeout boxes of Chinese food that were strung out along the floor like decorative guideposts to the bedroom. The stillness of his body, as he lay motionless,
completely still. His outstretched arm, pointing to the sleeping pills on his night stand. Then of course there is the note, appropriately placed next to the pills. Even in this unconscious state she thought, he wanted to be found. She remembers feeling oddly calm, going by his side, checking his pulse, placing a finger by his nose, feeling for breath. She remembers waiting after calling 911, the few minutes seeming like an eternity in her mind. She recalls calling Isabella from the hospital, hearing Carlos on the other end explain the situation to her, and the sound of her muffled crying. For once she was happy she had a spare key to his place. She felt guilty about it for some reason, the possibility she could invade his privacy seemed wrong to her. Now more than anything else, she wanted to take that key, invade his privacy, and discover what he was thinking.
" Ohmigosh, are you angry?" she said carefully.
"What?"
" Are you mad at me?" Analise’s curiosity was turning into confusion.
" No, of course not. I mean..." he said. She could feel the strain in his voice.
" I’m just trying to understand this, okay? I don’t know what’s going on with you."
" I know that Analise," he shrugged, " but why did you keep the note?"
" I don’t know. I guess I was hoping it would help me understand why."
" Look, I just feel strange talking about it here right now. Can we go somewhere? You wanna go get something to eat?"
" Get something to eat?!," Anallise said in mock horror. " We just left your great grandmother’s birthday party! We got two huge plates full of lechon and lumpia in the back."
" Yeah, I know. Dessert, coffee maybe?" offered Jay.
" You know I can’t. I gotta pick up Neil at the airport and you work tonight."
" I could call in sick and we could talk."
" Oh no you’re not. You just started that job."
" I know I know. You’re right."
" Come with me to the airport!" she screamed, a lightbulb clearly shining over her head.
" What?"
" Oh c’mon, we could go there right now, maybe get some coffee on the way there. We would have plenty of time to talk."
" I dunno. I don’t wanna intrude between you two."
" You’re not intruding Jay. Neil would be happy to see you."
" HAH!" yelled Jay, his head turned right next her ear. " He hasn’t seen you in two weeks! The first thing he wants to see is you, not you and your best friend."
She smirked. " Ooooooooooh, there’s a Starbuck’s here on the right. We can get coffee and dessert there."
"Are you even listening to me?"
" He won’t mind Jay. I know you think he doesn’t like you, but seriously, he does."
" How would you know?"
Their course set, they set their late afternoon plan into motion. Jay’s anger was subsiding into resignation. A Starbuck’s and a drive to the airport was as good a place as any to discuss one’s death wish he thought. Why not discuss it now?
" I just don’t get it. If it’s a medium, why not simply call it a medium? Why call it a grande?
" We’re not doing this now Jay," she said, annoyed.
" I mean, a tall shouldn’t refer to a small drink, right?"
She was pretending to ignore him now, her eyes focused on the menu board above. She smiles to the barista and orders her tall mocha. Jays hops along side of her.
" Make that two please." He smiles at the barista and mutters underneath his breath, " It was the same Analise."
" What?" she whispers.
" It was the same week after week," he said tight jawed.
" Do you want whip cream on that?" asked the barista.
" I do, " answered Analise. Jay nods no.
"If I felt something, Dr. Anderson would ask me how I felt about it. If I didn’t feel anything he would ask me how I felt about it."
" And?"
" Week after week, it was just him asking how I felt. I mean, I get that from you, y’know? Why am I paying someone else to for that? He felt more like my old high school guidance counselor than my shrink."
" Here you go, " offered the barista, handing Jay the tall mochas.
" Let’s say for the sake of argument that’s true, " she said in a parental tone, " but what about your anti-depressants?" She grabs her mocha from him and takes off the top.
" I’m thinking about laying off of those for awhile. I can always get back on my meds if I start to feel overwhelmed again," he says with a smile. " Okay, when’s his flight coming in?
"We got plenty of time," she says, checking her watch.
" I mean, what is a ‘ barista ‘ anyway?" Jay asks, entering the car.
" Not now Jay."
" Is that even a real word?"
" Jay, stay with me here. You’re doing so well right now. You got a new place, you got a new job, you’re in a good place."
" So why screw it all up?"
" Exactly."
" Well," he paused, " I haven’t been taking my medication for a couple of weeks now and um I..."
" What?!"
" I said I haven’t..."
" I heard you!" she interrupted.
" Look at me Analise. I’m okay. I feel fine," Jay said in his most reassuring voice, " really, I feel good."
" People like you don’t feel ‘fine’ all of a sudden," she said in disbelief.
" People like me?"
" You know what I mean."
" People who..."
" Suffer from depression, " she said, finishing his sentence.
" People who attempt suicide," Jay added.
Analise didn’t know what to make with what she was hearing. She’s no professional but he did seem like he was in good spirits. In fact, that was the reason why she wanted to talk to him. He appeared too happy if you asked her. For several months he was in such a state of disarray and now look at him, BAM, the perfect state of mental health. Gone was the sullen, tired, worn Jay De La Cruz and in comes the perky, happy go lucky Jay De La Cruz. How was that possible?
" I’m serious," Jay continued," if you notice anything wrong with me, sit me down and have an intervention or something. Bring my lola, hell bring Neil if you want. But I’m telling you, I feel good."
For the next few minutes they drove on in silence, Analise trying to digest the conversation they were just having. It’s not like she didn’t believe him, not totally anyway. She didn’t doubt the sincerity of his words. She doubted the truthfulness of those words. When Isabella had called her and told her Jay stopped seeing his psychiatrist, Analise felt her whole body turn numb. Why would he do that when he was starting to make strides, finding some semblance of normal again? What was he thinking? And why didn’t he tell her about it? She would just have to wait and see she thought. Patient, she would have to be patient. She glanced over to him and saw him softly singing along to the radio, his hands safely on the ten and two position on the steering wheel, grinning.
" Analise," he said turning to her.
" Yeah?"
" Your cell-phone’s ringing, don’t you hear it?"
" Oh!" she said, reaching for her purse behind her in the back seat. She covered one ear with her left hand and answered with her right, " Hey sweetie. Where are you?" She looks up at Jay and makes the universal expression for uh-oh, there might have been a mis-communication and someone might be upset. " I thought you weren’t coming in for another hour?" she paused, "oh, an earlier flight...I see. How long have you been waiting?"
" We’ll be there in like 10-15 minutes," Jay said while nudging her, hoping that statement would ease the tension.
" Oh okay, right outside, same place? Okay. Jay said we’ll be there in 10 minutes." Analise turned her head towards the window and slumped down a little. " Yeah, he’s coming. He’s fine," she mumbled.
Jay smirked and rolled his eyes. What had she been telling him he wondered? Probably everything he surmised. Neil is Analise’s fiancee after all. Those two told each other everything. Jay knew Analise was having a hard time accepting what he had said. He couldn’t blame her either. His explanation sounded ludicrous. But what he told her was more than words to him. He couldn’t deny the way he was feeling, this dramatic renewal of energy and bounce to his step. To him, the next step was obvious, strike out on your own, take on the world again.
" I got the time wrong. I could’ve sworn he told me his flight was coming in later today," began Analise.
" So he there’s now, waiting?"
"Yep."
" Has he been waiting long?"
" Not too long, half an hour."
" No problem, we should be there soon," Jay said, applying more pressure from his foot to the gas pedal. He changed lanes abruptly a couple of times. Analise grabbed the oh-shit bar above her and put her other hand on his shoulder.
" Whoa, relax. Slow down. There’s no need to drive so fast. Like you said, we’ll be there soon. He can wait a few more minutes. It won’t kill him."
Jay eased up a little on the gas pedal and changed back into the right lane. It took him a couple of minutes to calm himself down. Why was his heart racing? " I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking."
" It’s okay. You’re always driving so fast. Relax. Hey, the airport is at this next exit here."
" I know where the airport is," Jay replied tight-jawed, shaking his head.
" Sorry, force of habit."
" It’s okay."
" He should be outside in the arrival section, sour."
" Is he upset?"
" He hates it when I’m late. But he’ll get over it."
" He always does."
" Yeah he does. Jay?" said Analise, turning serious.
"Yes?"
" Pride’s a dangerous thing, y’know? I know you think you’re okay now but..."
" I am okay," Jay interrupted, " Trust me, I know what I’m doing, okay?"
Analise forced a faint smile to appear on her face.
" Seriously, the Xanex days are over. I don’t think they were really helping anyway."
They make their way through a never ending caravan of taxis, limos, shuttle vans, and plain ol’ regular cars, through a sea of people and luggage, of people coming and going. Neil was right where Analise said he would be, at curbside arrival, sitting on top of his bags.
" I’m so sorry, sweetie," she said, rushing out the car to greet him. She kisses him and Neil throws a glance at Jay, who can do nothing but shrug his shoulders. " Trunk’s open," yells Jay.
Neil and Analise get in the back seat. Jay feels like a limo driver now, a shuttle driver for couples.
" You must be very upset," said Analise reaching for his hand.
" Ah it’s alright. I had plenty of time to simmer down," replied Neil sarcastically.
" I’m sorry Neil. It was really my fault. We got to talking about things and lost track of time."
"Ah it’s okay Jay. Somebody got my flight arrival time wrong, that’s all, " Neil said, playfully staring at Analise.
" I honestly thought you said 7:15, " she said apologetically.
" I said 5:15. How does five sound like seven?"
" Okay okay, seven, five, five, seven, so I heard you wrong. I’m sorry." She buries her head into his chest and he puts his arm around her. He lifts her chin up and they begin to kiss but as if he suddenly realized where they were, Neil casually pulls himself away.
" Sorry Jay, I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. It can’t be helped. I have no power over it."
" I completely understand," agrees Jay, knowing full well what it’s like to have no power over such a thing. Seeing those two together in the back seat made Jay long for that kind of togetherness. He marveled how some couples possessed that calm yet still passionate attachment towards each other, even after being together for a few years. He looked up at the rearview mirror to their reflections. " Where to ma’am, sir?"
Analise laughs, " Oh stop it. We’re not that bad."
"Hey ," Neil shouts out front, " did you two work on Much Ado?"
" Uh well, we’re still getting some logistical items worked out," responded Jay.
" So it’s a no then. Geez you two," Neil said in disbelief.
Analise hits him on the arm and pushes him away. "We’re working on it sweetie. Aren’t we Jay?" She scowls at Jay and he laughs.
" Yeah we are, we’re picking up again on the eighteenth. We have a schedule now."
" And we’re going to stick to it."
" Okay, that’s great, said Neil, only half believing them. " And the birthday party?"
" Oh it was great, you really missed out. She’s still sharp as ever. She’s gonna outlive us all," said Jay.
" And look, I brought you a plate of food," said Analise.
" Aw thanks honey," said Neil, opening up the aluminum foil, " Oh man, lechon!"
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